The fear - or lack of fear - of Death.

Death is the great equalizer.  No one ever escapes it.  While some know when the time is near, no one in general, knows when it's going to happen.  Most people don't like to think about it, but not me.  I think about it all the time.  I've lost several friends through the years.  My brain is really split when I think about it.

My friend Carl, had just turned 35 and was taking one of his roommates out for a drive at night so he could smoke a cigarette.  It was November and bitterly cold outside.  Carl didn't smoke but his friend did.  I had spoken to him earlier that night.  Western North Dakota at night was a dangerous place, especially in 2014.  The oilfields brought 24/7 traffic and work to the region and there was millions of dollars to be made.  So on a cold night, my dear friend Carl was struck and killed instantly by a speeding truck driver.  The passenger, who Carl took for a smoke, survived.  I think about Carl a lot.  He was a helluva guitar player.  Way better than I'll ever be.  At 35.  What a terrible loss.  Carl had a lot of life left to live.  He was just getting started.

One month later I lost my own father.  For those who have lost a parent - it's devastating.  I was there by his side when it happened.  I think about my dad everyday and I can remember vividly all the events of that day and those that followed.  My dad, did not fear death.  He had very strong religious beliefs and death was just another part of life.

In my current state and head space, I think about my own death.  Often.  I don't fear it.  Not necessarily for religious reasons, but it's not one of those things I can't even talk about.  I know its real and will happen one day to me.  There's been several times in my life when I've looked at the choice of ending my own.  I can vividly see it.  It's violent yet peaceful at the same time.  I can feel the weight of a gun in my hand.  I carried them for years in the military.  I can feel the cold steel and how my hand warms the grips.  I can feel the spring tension and quality of the build as I load it.  I can feel it against my temple and the hard ring of the barrel as its pushed against my skin.  The 3 or 4 pounds of trigger pull.  The loud crack.  When I was with my father at the end of his life, I held his hand.  He was on a machine and his body was still working.  My hand was sweaty in his hand.  When the time came and as the minutes passed afterward, I remember how quickly his body cooled.  I wonder how quickly the handle of the gun will cool from my hand.  Will I still have a grip on it?  I wonder how quickly I'll cool... In some versions of it, I can see the red blood against the stark white snow… And other versions, I can feel the back of my head on the hard concrete.  To most people that sounds terrible, but for me, that seems peaceful.

I know a lot of people say it's the "easy way out" or "weak".  Maybe so.  Maybe not.  I just know that at times, everything seems to be too much.  Too heavy.  This is what I think about though.  I'm not bothered by it.  This isn't a play by play.  It's a thought I think about and see in my head.  I've often said I could drive to work tomorrow and be killed or live on for a few more years.   Seems like everyone has cancer or diabetes these days too...  You never know.  Some people will say "Don't think like that" or "How dare you".... Who am I to judge?  Who are YOU to judge?  This is my blog, not yours.  It's not even for you - it's my thoughts.  I'd be lying to myself if I didn't put down my own true thoughts.

When I was a kid, I used to drive through the cemeteries in Milton, Connersville and in Cambridge City Indiana.  I found and still find a lot of peace there.  I always read the headstones and think about the people there.  A farmer.  A husband.  A dentist.  A bus driver.  A mayor.  I'm sure people who at one time were or at least thought they were - important - either to themselves or someone.  Maybe a lot of people - maybe a few - maybe no one.  But just like that - they are gone and forgotten.  Dates and a dash.  You wonder if they are remembered or missed... Did they matter to someone... I wonder the same about me....

In the military you always have to have a will and a power of attorney completed.  Mine always said that I wanted to be buried under a tree in the Milton Cemetery.  I like the idea of being under a big shade tree.  Like a maple or an oak.  Here in the last couple of years, I've rethought about it and now I think I wouldn't mind being cremated and having my ashes spread over the waters at the International Peace Garden here in North Dakota.  Even if I'm not living here, they can always cart me back up there.  Start on the Canadian side.  I've always liked it better anyway.

Lonely.  Alone.  Lonesome.  Three descriptive words all derived from the word "lone."  To be alone.  To feel lonely.  To be lonesome.  In life, you travel alone on your own journey.  Yes, you meet others who often travel with you on the trip, but they are on their own journey too.  You're just passengers in the same car.  But in the end, at some point, death is waiting for us all.  And you'll be buried alone.  It's not a scary thing to me.

Chilly house and Quiet Days...

My house is quiet.  The kind of quiet that makes most people a little uncomfortable.  I can hear every sound.  Every noise.  The neighbor’s car doors opening and closing.  The garage doors.  Up and down.  When the tinnitus isn’t ringing too badly in my ears, I can hear each clock in my house ticking away.  I don’t really remember the last time I turned my television on.  I hear each time the refrigerator runs.  When the freezer drops new ice.  I’ve always been able to hear the trains rumbling away on the tracks behind my house, but for a long time I just tuned it out.  But now it sounds like a cannon going off.  Even the sound of my fingers typing away on my laptop make a sound that I don’t know if I ever listened to before but I can hear it now.  Tonight I can hear the Minot High School Homecoming football game at the high school directly behind my house.  I can clearly make out what the announcer is saying with each announcement and play and I can only imagine how loud it is there.  The sound carries.  It floats out like a thick fog and covers my house.  

It’s cold inside my house.  I guess I’m having trouble coming to terms and admitting to myself that the summer is over and turning the heat on in the evening is a reasonable option now.  I was away in Indiana for a week and the trees were all still very green and it was in the 80’s and low 90’s still.  I arrived late into the evening here in Minot and I couldn’t see the trees.  What a shock to see that within the week I was gone, ALL of them have turned yellow, orange and gold.  Change.  Rapid change.  I wonder how long I can hold out before I turn the heat on…

It’s the time of year when Christmas trees and decorations are out in stores mixed in with the Halloween costumes & candy with Thanksgiving scarecrows and turkeys in pilgrim hats.  Why does it already feel like the year is over and winter is getting ready to sit on my chest?  Before you know it – 2017. 

I think too much.  I read into things.  I don’t vocalize and when I do, it’s vomited out without cohesion that somehow only I can understand which frustrates those around me.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of hurting people.  I’m tired of being hurt.  I’m tired of allowing myself to be hurt and putting myself in positions where I am.   I want to be left alone while desperately wanting companionship.  I have lived for the past 23 years with my life in boxes – boxes with contents that never mixed.  Home.  Work.  Music.  Indiana.  Personal.  Relationships.  Family.  Friends.  All boxes.  Spinning plates on poles.  Attempting to keep multiple boats with holes and cracks afloat while pouring buckets and pails of rushing water out of each of them.  Sometimes into them.  Often times into them.  I was good at it for a while but like trying to extend your arms while holding a penny on your fingertips for an hour – even for money – it’s not possible.  Even though it’s a penny, it weighs too much.  You’d rather chop off your arm than hold that penny up another second longer.

I drive around a lot.  Sometimes I can’t stand to be here so I stay out.  It gets to be too much.  I don’t mind driving.  There was a time when I would spend hours building a playlist to drive somewhere, then blast it the whole way.  These days, like at home, the ride is quiet.  Not that I don’t listen to things or music, because I do.  I’ll always love music.  The meaning of it changes and I’m forced to change.  I hear songs differently now than I used to.  Sometimes songs I’ve know my whole life.  I’m not sure if its time or life experience that changes the interpretation of things but the turn of a phrase can change everything to me.  I drive a lot.  I drive down familiar streets.  I look into big picture windows or kitchen windows of the houses when I drive by and wonder about the people and families living there.  What their stories are.  I think about people I once knew.  I wonder if they do the same thing…. Maybe it’s just me.  Like I said, I drive a lot.

There are many things that are very vivid to me.  People.  Places.  Smells.  Sounds.   It can be and often is sensory overload.  Maybe that’s why things are quiet here.  I’ve already heard too much.  Seen too much.   Felt too much.   So much that I feel numb like I’m living the Pink Floyd song – comfortably numb.  I can understand why people numb themselves with drugs and alcohol… or religion…. cats… hording…  I’m not passing judgement.  Who am I to judge?  I get it.  Life is hard and fast.  So much of my life has been spent chasing things.  Dates.  Goals.  Work.  People.  Things.  I’m tired.   

You get to a point where you sink or swim.  Yeah - you can tread water and kick around for a while but it’s fatiguing and has no longevity.  I’m tired of kicking.  I’m not really sure what I know, but I do know that I can’t continue to do it anymore. 

Yellow Leaves

The trees have yellow in them.  A signal that summer is ending.  It starts as a friendly reminder.  “Hi there, change is happening….”  If you’d have asked me for the past 40 years of my life, which season was my favorite, without hesitation and probably before you could finish the sentence, I’d reply with a quick “autumn!” (Or fall).

There’s many reasons why I’ve consistently picked the fall of the year.  Some are obvious… The colors – the reds, oranges, yellows and browns.  The sheer beauty of it.  The smell of fallen leaves.  The sound of the crunch under your foot.  The chill in the air.  The early evenings when it’s still nice out but the slight hint of a chill is in the air.  Jacket weather.  The fall holidays.  Homecoming.  Halloween.  Thanksgiving.  Birthdays and Christmas.  As a kid it was the excitement of going back to school.  Seeing your friends again.  The plastic smell of Trapper Keepers, wooden pencils and questionable glue. Being busy and focused on the new task at hand.  The start of something new indoors as the natural world outside dies.

Winters are especially long in North Dakota.  It’s not so much the snow or the cold, although they too can be brutal – it’s the length of winter up here.  The darkness in the late afternoon.  The lack of blue sky.  I’ve found to be functional in my life, I need blue skies.  Late October until late April or mid-May.  Long.

If I were to try to explain the seasons in North Dakota, I’d say it’s like trying to make soup from a can when you don’t have any tools or appliances.  There’s the early hard struggle to get the damn thing open, followed by the audible condensed plop of a solid mass hitting the bowl.   Followed by a rush of water covering everything.  A quick, electrical explosion of heat out of nowhere that if not enjoyed immediately, will quickly cool just as quickly as it was heated.  Solidifying back into a cold mess resembling what it originally looked like when you struggled to open it the first time.  And since you must eat to stay alive – you repeat this process over again.  One complete trip around the sun, aka living in North Dakota.  Long winters that often times you have to dig out of… the spring flooding… the blast of summer sweat & mosquito stew…

Note:  Is it always bleak and unappealing?  No, of course not – but that’s not the point.  This is the nutshell definition and my perception at this moment which makes it my reality and not yours.  So there’s no need to correct me on my own opinion.  The trees are in fact yellowing….. Where was I…. oh yeah:
 
Then out of nowhere like a thief in the night, a strong wind will blow and the trees, thou mighty, stand no chance and will be stripped overnight.  Left bare from their beautiful coats of colors and left naked…. Naked for so much longer than they have to be.  Waiting for the doctor in the gown for longer than you should have to be.  Soon enough, I’ll be able to see things from my window with a different clarity.  A view that I don’t particularly care to see – everything & nothing.  In black and white.  No color to contrast the gray sky to the snow covered ground.  With one exception… The large red “M” from Minot High School on the hill behind my house.  A reminder of where I’m at.  What I’ve done.  Where I’ve been.  The letter M has followed me throughout my life. 

Milton.

Music.

Military.

Every real relationship I've had  - their names all begin with an M.

Minot Air Force Base

Minot High School

Minot, ND

Moving...

The seasons change.  I don’t like it.
Autumn is no longer my favorite season.  The end will come soon enough for all of us.  I, for one, haven’t been in a rush to get there.  The seasons have changed.  I have changed – in too many ways.

It’s not a pity party or a “woe is me” scenario.  This s my assessment of where I am at today.  Tomorrow I will get up, shower & dress, look out the window and stare at the trees for a while… loosing count attempting to count the yellow leaves… and then go to work like every other day.

Alive but not living.

The trees are starting to yellow.

The seasons are changing. 

And so am I.

If everything tastes like chicken... why don't eggs?

That’s the kind of stuff that pops up in my head from time to time.  I love eggs.  I don’t eat them every day but I do enjoy them.  I prefer them scrambled or fried hard (no yellow runny stuff) and with lots of ketchup.  I enjoy chicken too.  Fried, grilled, baked, boiled – I like chicken.  Eggs come from chicken – eggs ARE chickens – but they don’t taste like chicken.  Odd.

Venting is good for the soul.  I don’t feel like I’ve had the chance to vent for way too long so I’m going to make up for that now.  All of my ramblings should come with a disclaimer like “the written remarks are mine and my opinion and don’t take it personal unless the shoe fits, and if the shoe does in fact fits, now you know.”  

I think part of my need to vent is my lack of a release mechanism.  I’m a guitar player.  I enjoy being creative, especially with others.  Since my last gig (Dec 2010 with Chris Heers in Las Vegas), I have not played a show or been all that creative and I don’t like it.  I’ve written several songs and I keep a couple guitars close by at the house when inspiration strikes but it’s still not enough.  I did open my main pedal board looking for a cord and the immediate smell of cigarette smoke poured out of it like it was exhaling so I closed it back up again attempting to keep some Las Vegas still in it.  I’m not going to blame it entirely on Minot, but it’s defiantly not Las Vegas.  It’s almost 100% my day job.  I will admit that I was getting spoiled living in Las Vegas.  Before I left I was gigging 3 to 4 nights a week and I miss the hell out of it and all of my amazing friends there.

I could vent about my day job (the AF) for hours but I’ll only say this about it:  We got an “Excellent” last month during our Nuclear inspection.  In my opinion, the only thing we got an “Excellent” for was for maintaining and doing the same stuff we’ve been doing since I first did this job in 1994 and probably since the first pile of dirt was scooped in 1964.  I was told when I was a new Airman Basic (E-1) that if you stay in long enough and get enough rank, things can be fixed and changed.  Now as a Master Sergeant (E-7), ironically the same rank the guy who told me that was way back when, I find that positive change to make things better is about the last thing on the “higher-ups” mind.  I always think its funny when they send the 4-star general commander of the AF to go to Capitol Hill to talk about how the enlisted people are doing.  The base pay for an O-10 is $17,451 per month, not including housing allowance and bonus pay.  They have no idea.

Politics.  I really hate politics.  Be it in the workplace, TV, Facebook or National stage – I hate politics.  We have lost the ability to have a civil discourse on anything.  The ultra left & rights have over powered the middle.  You can’t agree or disagree anymore without being vilified.   You’re opinion doesn’t matter because you don’t agree with the other side.  It’s gotten to the point where the actual person is attacked verses their opinion or position on something.  I have news for the coastal states:  You’re not the only two parts of the country with a voice.  I’m from the Midwest.  That being said, I’m not some ultra right wing person solely because of where I’m from.  A lot of my “Facebook Friends” are musicians and very liberal or ultra left wing.  For some reason a lot of them think it’s hip and acceptable to hate on republicans.  I can tell you that I grew up republican, I’m currently a registered Independent and I feel free to make up my mind either way on a topic.  But the polarizing way some people are is ridiculous.  For example, if you’re a republican, you’re anti-women’s rights, anti-gays, anti-poor people, pro war; you’re obviously a fan of oil companies, big money and Wall Street.  You’re crazy, Christian, sexiest, racists, homophobic, anti-freedom, fill in the blank.  That is the stupidest shit I have ever heard.  Most people I know are quite the opposite.  The large majority of the military is republican.   I actually had someone write on my Facebook wall that I was part of the problem being in the military and that I was “a Bush loving baby killer… it’s all Halliburton’s fault.”  Needless to say, they’re not on my page anymore.  It’s the “in” thing to be democrat.  It’s what the media loves.  I know and respect a lot of democrats just like I do republicans and everyone else.  I’m not some ultra religious bible thumper either, but I believe in freedom of religion and hate when people give others a hard time that are in to it.   Political correctness goes out of the way for every crazy tree worshiping, moon gazing, bead wearing, chanting, praying to the east, west, north, south religion there is except for people who are Christians and that’s not right.  There are plenty crazy people on all sides to go around.

 If it was popular to be in the military, then more than 1% of the entire United States population would be in the military or commit to some type of public service.  I’m beyond tired of people bitchin’ about my country and saying how evil it is.  Not around me they don’t.  Newsflash:  I’m anti-war.  Everyone in the military is.  Do you really think we put our lives on the line just because we love to shoot at people and get shot at?  I’m pro America.  If you mess with our country, prepare to have your ass stomped and I’ll be glad to do it.  But that doesn’t mean we go looking for it.  I’ll gladly do anything I can to protect the freedoms for you to agree, disagree, make up your own mind, come and go as you please, live how you want to without the fear that the government is going to drag you away.  For that I say – you’re welcome.  I’m wicked tired of hearing politicians call the military “America’s Treasure” and shit like that.  Don’t use the military for a political rally when you could care less about really looking after us.  Quit using the military for social experiments.  We don’t want a parade or a plaque on the wall.  I get thanked on the 1^st and 15^th on pay day.  Look out for the veterans.  Offer a vet a job.  That’s how you can thank the military.  Stop trying to cut what little benefits we do get while a 1 term congressmen is set for life.  Be smart people – learn the facts about a topic.  I have my opinions about who should be the next President.  I’m sure some of you would agree and a lot of you would disagree.  That doesn’t make me or you any less of a person.  Civil discourse.    I’m sure about half of my “Facebook Friends” will/would hit the delete/block button if they ever read any of this.

I feel like I’m wearing a fat suit and I don’t like it.  I need to fix that and I hope to soon.  I really want to fix it because I want to, not because the AF says I have to look like a clone of everyone else.  My individuality has defiantly not been a big help to my military career but I define me by who I am, not what I do for a living.  I do need to live healthier but I don’t like it.  Part of the problem is food just taste so damn good.

I have a good chiropractor who is getting me aligned properly.  Who knew you don’t have to be in pain all the time?!  I’m a little peeved that the military doesn’t pay for it, but oh well.  It’s worth it.

And finally some parting shots about some things that irk the hell out of me:

1.       People at work:  You’re not a first responder.  You don’t have to be “nose out” and back into a parking spot.  If you can’t back up straight and even into a space, knock it off.  Impossible to park when all these jack asses are taking up two or three spots.  Enough already.

2.       4-way stops.  They’re not that confusing.  This isn’t something new.  When you’re the first to pull up, stop then go.  Don’t sit and look at everyone else.  When you do that, I will run you over.

3.       Order the food for your kids at the fast food joint.  I don’t think it’s cute and neither does anyone else who’s waiting.  They want chicken strips.  Get it to go.

4.       Save those memorable first steps for the house or grandma’s house.  Not in the parking lot at Target.  I don’t think it’s cute when mom and dad are holding tiny little hands trying to walk across the parking lot and into the store when I’m trying to park.  Knock it off.  

5.       Your baby is not a purse.  Have you noticed it’s 20 degrees outside?  Why are you all bundled up and your bare headed bald baby is just bouncing off your arm?  Get a clue or give the baby to somebody who will take care of it.

2010: A Year In Review

So we meet again.  It's December, the month of my birth, post the holidays, on the last day of the year.  I often think about blogging/writing more notes but life happens and time gets away from me.  A lot of times we take this time of year, the birth of the New Year, to make resolutions, promises, etc...About things we're going to change or do or do-over.  I'm not going to do that this year.  Sure I have goals, things I want to accomplish and do in the up-coming year but I'm not going to make promises to myself that I'm not going to keep.  You just never know what will happen and I think by getting boxed in sometimes, we cheat ourselves out of experiences; and really, that's all that life is.

It is almost impossible to encapsulate what this past year has meant to me - good and/or bad.   This was my final year in Las Vegas.  What a town.  I really felt at home and connected.  I played a lot of music.  I’m grateful to all the fabulous musicians I had the pleasure to play with.  Rob, Brett, Bobby, Terry, Alvin, Chris, Buzz, Johnny Garcia, Jim, Mitch, Dave and all of the others – thank you.  And of course, all of the fans who came out to see us and support live music – wow!  That makes it worth it.  There were a few times when it felt more like work than fun, but how could I (or anyone) complain about getting paid to do what you love, and in my case, it’s making music.  Once you get connected with other musicians and it all starts coming together – there’s nothing better.  I don’t know where I’ll end up after I’m done with this whole military thing, but if the road leads me back to sunny Las Vegas, I won’t complain.

Speaking of the military… as of today I have 1260 days until I can retire.  That seems out of reach and yet like it’s crashing in on me all at the same time.  I have spent the last decade teaching and instructing and I can tell you unequivocally, that teaching is my single most favorite thing I have done while in the Air Force.  For the last year or so, I was doing a different job and not teaching and I could tell that a. I missed teaching and b. It was time for me to move on.  Like any other job, they have their pluses and minuses and Silver Flag Alpha was/is no different.  I can tell you that unless you’re actively teaching and interacting with the students, you’re missing out.  There’s a line in a Vince Gill song called “Young Man’s Town” that I think says it best for me anyway.  The line goes “Sometimes you got to stand back, and watch them burn it to the ground.  Even though you built it, it’s a young man’s town.”

So why would I want to leave a place I really enjoyed?  Well the military told me it was time.  So of the entire places to send me, I was sent to Minot, ND.  I guess the irony is when I first joined the AF almost 17 years ago I was here in North Dakota at Grand Forks AFB on the opposite side of the state doing the same job I’m about to do again.  This time, at the end of my career.  Full circle.  From Grand Forks, ND to San Antonio, TX to Las Vegas, NV and finally back to Minot, ND.  I’m sure I’ll meet new people and make new friends but I have not and will never forget the friends I’ve made from all the places I’ve been.  That’s one thing I am grateful for – good friends.

I’m proud to say that some of my friends today have been friends for a long, long time.  Military friends from every base I’ve been to… Joe, Bruce, Chuck, Sherb, Nooch and many many more – friends.  Good friends.  And the people at these various towns and cities I’ve lived in… Stefan, Roy, Jason, Bob, Gene, Rick, Redd, Rob, Barbara, Jesse, Brendon, Mike, Bob, Dennis – damn good people.  The list could go on and on… I do feel blessed and lucky to known them.

And how could one not include their family if they’re lucky enough to have one?  Mary has been my running partner since my last days in Grand Forks through now and even at times when I didn’t deserve to have her stick around, she has and I am forever lucky and grateful.  I’m not the easiest dude to live with.  I can be moody and not share what’s on my mind a lot of the time and that must be frustrating!  I know it’s not been easy for her to pick up and move on the whim of where the Air Force tells me to go either.  Some people have figured out how this whole military thing works but I haven’t been let into the “secret club” so I’ll just continue to do the best I know how to do.  We lost our cat in Aug of 09 and while that may not be a big deal to some folks, ol’ Rosco was with us for 10 years and when you’re in the military and move every couple of years, you appreciate what you have around you and his loss was a big blow to us.  He is and will always be missed.

My kids are almost grown and it doesn’t seem real.  I know I’m not the father they wanted nor am I the father I think I could have been but I hope that someday I will get an opportunity to share some life experiences with them.  I am very proud of them and wish them only the best.

I can tell you that North Dakota is cold.  Damn cold.  Negative temperatures cold.  I think I had forgotten just how cold it is, but once you are back in it, you remember pretty quick!  Why people choose to live here still baffles me, but I guess home is where you hang your hat and if your hat has never left… well there ya go.

I look forward to what this next year brings.  Like I said before, I’m not going to over plan life and forget to enjoy living.  So that’s my plan – to enjoy life.  Happy New Year!